Women now have the freedom to do anything we want to do, but many of us still find ourselves unhappy and are baffled as to why.
‘The White Lotus’ star reveals why her storyline can be triggering
“The White Lotus” star Michelle Monaghan talks to Ralphie Aversa about how the female friendship story line is so relatable and toxic.
The Season 3 finale of “The White Lotus” included a powerful monologue by a character named Laurie, played brilliantly by Carrie Coon. Fans loved what she had to say about women’s roles and expectations in our modern world.
During a final dinner at the White Lotus resort in Thailand, Laurie tells two of her childhood friends that she’s sad and feeling lost.
“I have no belief system,” she says. “Well, I mean, I’ve had a lot of them. I mean, work was my religion for forever, but I definitely lost my belief there. And then, and then I tried love and that was just a painful religion − just made everything worse. And then even for me, just like being a mother, that didn’t save me either. But I had this epiphany today: I don’t need religion or God to give my life meaning, because time gives it meaning. We started this life together. I mean, we’re going through it apart, but we’re still together. … I’m just happy to be at the table.”
Laurie’s point about female friendships was beautiful. But as much as I adore my girlfriends, and have long-standing friendships as far back as second grade, Laurie’s conclusion about friendship wasn’t the best part to me. It was instead her observations about the modern woman’s dilemma that fascinated me most. It tapped into something a lot of women feel but can’t or won’t express.
Women have achieved so much but are still unhappy
Women in the United States are doing better than ever before.
According to the Pew Research Center, the gender gap in pay has narrowed in the past 20 years. Last year, women earned an average of 85% of what men earned, up 4 percentage points from 2023.
Women earn more college degrees than men. Single women own more homes than single men. Strong majorities of both women and men say women are now doing much or somewhat better in careers and education than 20 years ago.
Yet, research also shows that women are more unhappy than ever before, just like Laurie in “The White Lotus.”
A 2024 study, “The female happiness paradox” by researchers with Dartmouth College and University College London, found that women have worse mental health than men, including problems with anxiety, depression, fearfulness, sadness, loneliness and anger. Women also “have more days with bad mental health and more restless sleep.”
The researchers found that women are “less satisfied in the moment in terms of peace and calm, cheerfulness, feeling active, vigorous, fresh, and rested.”
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Laurie’s monologue isn’t popular just because she concluded that friendship is the key to happiness. I think fans applauded the scene because she found words to describe a common female experience, especially for women in midlife.
Laurie asked something so many American women find themselves wondering. We have more now than ever before. More equality, more pay, more education and more rights. Why are we still unhappy?
Feminism hasn’t brought us happiness
Perhaps that’s because the things we thought would bring happiness − career success, money, status and material goods − aren’t able to deliver.
Women have been told that equality at work and in society as a whole would bring satisfaction and fulfillment. Yet, the feminist movement has pushed women so far in the direction of pursuing career and self interests that it has backfired. Because self-centeredness goes against many women’s God-given desires.
Laurie describes this angst so well: Work was her religion, then love was, but both failed. Being a mother didn’t satisfy her ache for something more, and even God didn’t fulfill her needs. She can’t figure out why she’s so unhappy.
Like Laurie, women now have the freedom to do anything we want to do, but many of us still find ourselves unhappy and are baffled as to why.
In the name of equality, many feminists declared that they didn’t need men or children. They needed only their work, girlfriends and a glass of wine. Some women have even knowingly copied the toxic habits of angry and isolated men as a declaration of independence.
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The modern feminist movement has sold women a yarn of lies, and many of us listened. Women now delay or forgo marriage, have no interest in children, find passion in careers and gave up God for yoga. They also seek purpose not in traditional values like faith and family but in politics. Abortion rights and women’s marches have become rallying cries not just on specific issues but also on what it means to be a woman.
Gen Z, millennial women push back with tradwife movement
Some younger women have pushed back. A small number of millennial and Generation Z women have embraced the “tradwives movement,” which promotes a stereotypical, romanticized view of stay-at-home motherhood and marriage.
Tradwives make a lot of people angry for a lot of reasons. The women often seem like they are cosplaying at being wives and mothers.
But I think the tradwives movement also angers women because it taps into a desire that’s hardly progressive but still innate. Many women would love to be happily married to a healthy, masculine man, raise kids and work from home while they keep an eye on their sourdough bread baking in the oven. It’s not for everyone, of course, and that’s OK. Still, some women have those desires but feel like our society tells them they shouldn’t.
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I don’t want to go back to the 19th century, when women had few rights and were forced to accept marriage and children as their only purpose. I don’t want to go back even to the 1970s, when women still had to have a male cosigner to get a credit card. Women fought hard for a long time to achieve equal rights, and I celebrate those women who sacrificed so much for women like me. I can write a column like this only because I stand on their shoulders.
Women do need friendships, and I thank God for the women in my life. But Laurie in “The White Lotus” wrote off everything else that makes us happy. Married women on average are happier than single women. (Laurie is divorced; I am as well.) Married women with children tend to be happier than those without children. Women in equal partnerships − where their partner or spouse helps carry household responsibilities and the mental load of modern life − tend to be happier. Women who seek community and religion also tend to be happier than those who are nonreligious.
Conservative women in general tend to pursue most of these things. Yet, as a conservative woman I’m often excoriated for talking positively about marriage, children and faith. I adhere to a belief system that is the opposite of Laurie’s − conservative politics, kids, God. I am hated for this. And every time I object to abusive comments from angry progressives, I am met with more disdain. It’s almost like progressives fear that I’m right.
Laurie was right to be sad. Friendship is vital, but it was never intended to replace those deeper relationships that give life meaning and deliver true happiness and joy.
Nicole Russell is a columnist at USA TODAY and a mother of four who lives in Texas. Contact her at [email protected] and follow her on X, formerly Twitter: @russell_nm. Sign up for her weekly newsletter, The Right Track, here.
